I blinked.
Dubiously, I gasped back at him. He couldn't be serious... The blood drained from my face as I saw his frame move decidedly towards me. There was no hesitation in his posture as the deliberate movements of his limbs carried him forward. I took an instinctive step back - realizing a second too late the gravity of the error. I was backed against a wall with my only means of escape being the door - a mental calculation left me with little doubt that he could have quartered before I could even think 'salvation'.
Panic started to grip me as the blind desperate hope of an escape deserted me. I closed my eyes and let the back of my head hit the cool stone of the Charms corridor. My wand. My eyes snapped open and I frantically tore through my bag. He seemed to have realized at the same time as I that this conversation would never happen if it didn't now. Before I knew it, he had both my arms pinned up against the wall - my bag landing with a soft thump by my feet. At first I'd considered trashing around or even screaming but decided that this conversation would be dramatic enough without my added theatrics.
Fine. I may not scream bloody murder but I'm sure as hell not making it any easier for him. With dignity that would make a 4 year old envious, i turned my head sharply away - deliberately not looking at him. My defiance didn't seem to frustrate him, not in the slightest.
Unfortunately, my stubborn streak ran out and I just slumped slightly against his hold, head falling downwards. His grip slackened on my wrists but I was by then beyond trying to run. I was beyond pretending I didn't care, tired of this charade I had to put face of just to get through the day... Wow. The sheer drama of it all was enough to give Shakespeare a whiplash. A soft phrase floated past me, spoken so quietly, it could have been completely imagined.
"Will you listen to me...?"
But I knew I hadn't.
His voice staggered my breath - filling me with an emotion that seemed unnaturally like relief. Knowing I no longer had a choice, I looked up at him..
There are some moments in life that my Grandmother says come back to haunt your being in the later phases of your life. Some that are so monumental - they are irrevocably stored away in your sub - conscious mind. Now, call me a romantic, but when I looked him in the eyes, for the first time in my short life span, I expected one of those life-halting instances that leave you with a daze.
It was a monumental disappointment.
All I saw when I drew up the courage to actually face his gaze was... Nothing. I could't read a thing. I'd suppose that as an adept empath that I was, pardon the blatant conceit - the situation called for it, i would be able to decipher every emotion within his depths.
But... But all I saw when I looked was the pale flicks of green that I'd never known his eyes held. the dark lashes that diminished the intensity of his profoundly concealing gaze... And in trying to understand his very soul, I lost myself.
"Eva..."
Hearing my name from his lips did nothing to break the spell I was in. My pride wills me to say that I grew a bloody backbone and hi-tailed out of there obviously, if that's how this went, there wouldn't really be a reason for me to write this - Well, let's call it a confessional of sorts. Not that there's a chance in hell I'd ever admit to it.
No, what happened was my verbal capacity diminished to polar negatives and I was left to be played like a fucking harp.
He let go of my wrists and took a step back. I suppose even he knew I was too much of a basket case to make a run for it at this point. he turned his back to me and I could see the muscles of his shoulders taut, a contrast to his determined, relaxed persona when he cornered me. Grabbing desperately at whatever IQ I've been left with, I used this time to gently pick up my bag and walk into the empty classroom that the situation demanded.
A soft rush of air behind me alerted me of the shutting door. I kept my back towards him and face blank, though internally I was choking with the surplus force with which every new emotion shone my core. My mind - undoubtedly in tune with his every stance and move, tried in vain to distance itself from the potentially hazardous amount of emotion raging in the space between my throat and abdomen. it would be comical if I weren't so fucked up!
Five minutes of utter silence... Well not completely. Apparently a Robin had found this the perfect class in which to lay down a nest.
"I remember when I was a little girl... My mother used to take me to the park, it's right across from my house. Terribly old though... It had this swing, daintily thing--"
"You used to run upto it and jump on.. But you were too little to reach, so she would pick you up on her shoulders... made you feel like nothing in this world was too high for you to reach"
I felt my throat constrict as I pulled in the tears threatening to spill forth, inevitably ending the moment.
"Yeah... I miss her sometimes. Wonder what she would say if she saw me now..."
I looked at the Robin trying in vain to soothe the beaks of her little ones while they snapped collectively at the solitary worm in their mother's grasp.
"It's silly really, but I just can't help wondering what she would say if she knew that her little girl was in love-"
She heard him gasp ever so slightly, "- with a perpetual asshole."
"Eva-"
"No!"
I let out in a strangled, slightly over the top tone.
"No. You don't get to talk to me."
I said after in, what I'd like to think, was a softer, more controlled tone.
"Not now."
That came out it no more than a whisper.
The fact that I no longer had any control over my bodily functions was clearly proven when I'd found myself turning slowly to face him. I let out a gasp and nearly stumbled back when I saw how close he'd been. Almost instinctively, he caught me by the forearms and steadied me. I looked up at him.
Instead of letting me go, his hands slid down the length of my arms and clasped simultaneously giving my already over ridden heart a sucker punch, both my hands in his.
"Nothing I can say would make this any better - any easier..."
My mouth pulled into a humorless smile and I made to yank away my arms when he brought me closure to him, not resenting on his hold.
"Eva, I love -"
"Don't say it. Please don't... Don't say that you love me. You can't say that you love me!"
I could hear the tears in my voice and their evidence burnt in my eyes flowing unhindered down my face. I grabbed my hands back and walked backwards until mu spine hit the hard edge of the desk. He stared at me helplessly.
In that moment I had clarity. The answer, so evasive that it had been before seemed blatantly obvious to me now.
"Everything we were... All that you may still mean to me... All of that ceased to matter when you decided to put two years of trust in jeopardy. From the very moment your mind decided to touch her. You lost me. You lost every iota of respect, confidence and trust I had in you."
I looked up at him, the words hardly came out due to the intense catch my throat seemed to have acquired.
But... I knew he understood. There was no chance in hell I would take him back. Regardless of consistent hold he will always have on my heart, we were forever... over.
refusing to meet his gaze I picked up my bag and walked away.
Closure, finally.
